Been mulling over nixing your subscription to this blog far a while now, but were still kinda on the fence? This should seal the deal for ya!
With outside temps finally dropping off a bit here in the swamp-ass South, I found myself unable to drum up any valid excuse to prevent me taking my lump of self for a walk. A short walk, yes. I feel I deserve points even for that.
The mild abatement in hellfire heat had likewise enticed other folks out on their own neighborhood jaunts, dog-walkers, Bluetooth phone-talkers, fellow pasty fat fools and little family units with helmeted kids on vibrantly colored bikes.
Hardly the safest of conditions for venturing outside, honestly. In these, our increasingly troubled times, with so many among us given in to dejection, despair, desperation, etc., I felt it best to go armed.
I grabbed my low-volt taser, then old-man-shoehorned on my sneaks and set off to not burn enough calories to justify even the one Abita beer I am now attempting to enjoy inside my darkened house, huddled behind the lounger out of sight of my front windows. I am drinking somewhat quickly, you see, as there is still some slight chance I might be interrupted in my endeavored happiness, and arrested.
I mean, what a country we live in! What a time.
The first people I crossed paths with on my walk were friends of my wife’s, so I did not, on principle, tase them, as much as I felt it would be nice to set an immediate take-charge tone for my walk. My wife, who is out of town at present, would have taken strong exception to this action upon learning of it later, and I am hardly brave enough to tase her, too.
As I continued along my way, I lost the pressing spirit of justifiable violence for a time, the weather so pleasant, the people encountered calling out “Evening!” and “How are ya?,” with their little hand-waves, head-nods and smiles. Several seemed quite sincere in these passing pleasantries. Sincerity, I feel, can be a really nice addition to situations at times.
Right about then, and now about halfway into my route, this one family trio, a mom and two young ones, came biking my way, all smiles. How nice! They were followed a bit later, however, by a solo child, also on a bike. His helmet had one of those mohawk motifs, a row of plastic spikes running along the top. He looked glum, though. Kind of sour even. This honestly offended me, what with his lighthearted helmet, the discord of the situation.
I mean, I was having my moment here. We are all entitled to our moments. So don’t go fucking with me, kid.
Thus I put it to him, just as he was about to ride by: “Smile, goddammit!”
Except he didn’t. He didn’t smile. So I tased him. I had no a choice.
His bike promptly rammed into the curb and he tumbled to the ground. And damn if he didn’t then set to crying, I mean really wailing his protected little head off, which angered me even more. FFS, that was just 2,500 measly volts, son! Barely enough to startle a fly (trust me when I say those filthy pests can hold a serious grudge). Steer like you have some sense already.
I was getting set to boost the voltage a tad and fire again, but about then, that mom now a ways past me had herself started going off, in a truly unpleasant manner, all that venom seemingly directed back my way. Yet what was the use in sticking around to explain anything? These people. They have flag-themed country-craft knick-knacks all over their yards, and they wear flip-flops to church during the summer. I’ve seen it.
So I figured I’d better pick up my own walking pace a bit, to get on out of there. You do what you have to. That’s really all you can do.
These are, as mentioned, desperate times. And that kid clearly had it coming. Joy has simply got to be encouraged.
Comments
I find myself desperately trying to stifle a tear of pure joyous laughter ….
Hellsbells, these days I revel in even finding myself at all, lost so often, as I am, in the putridity of the day. So for that part, thanks!
I do have a couple of comments and/or questions, though, to wit:
1) Question: “Outside temps finally dropping off a bit here in the swamp-ass South”??? I, sir, am decidedly Swamp-Ass Southier than you … and I’ve seen no such decline in temps, at least, not enough to make any difference. We’ve been what, four weeks (or more? I’ve lost count) in which the heat indices have exceeded 100° each day. Last I looked, around 8pm tonight, it was still 95°. So …. Whence this cool spell of which you speak???
2) Question: People in your neighborhood, when walking … actually GREET each other? Even if they don’t know them??? Damn. In my ‘liberal but trembling’ neighborhood, the BEST one might get from a neighbor-you-don’t-already-know … is a head nod. And that, only if they look up from their feet, or the machine they’re plugged into. The earbuds are usually a dead giveaway. Some actually growl if you disturb them. And one notable neighbor does her walk with one of those dog leashes that go straight out, as if there is a dog on the other end … but there’s not. Most of us know not to talk to her. The straight jacket barely raises a suspicion …
3) Comment: Tazing a kid? Kudos. I am a firm proponent for tazing any kid of an age incapable of rational discourse; that includes the squirmy pink ones, as well. For the bigger ones … give them a modicum of a chance at normal discourse … then, hellsbells, taze ’em anyway.
4) Comment: THANK YOU for your spelling of “goddammit” in the final “it’s a joke goddammit”. Just a pet peeve of mine, when some folks insist on jamming an ‘n’ in there, ie goddamnit. It just ain’t right, knowwhatImean?
5) Comment: And finally, THANK YOU for eliciting a chuckle from down deep. I’ve been morose, grouchy, depressed, and getting moldy from sweaty nethers. These actions seem to have been stifled, at least in the short-term. My nethers thank you.
Author
I confess that I had originally written “swamp-ass eastern N.C.,” but that’s nowhere near as much fun to say. So, you caught me!
I’m extremely glad you enjoyed it. I have been in a very similar perpetual place of funk, and am about to pursue some alternatives for treatment, cuz where I am isn’t getting me anywhere but further down. Ironically, that’s often been when I can summon absurdity the best. The next thing in the pipeline, though it won’t be unexpected, is riddled with silliness itself. I don’t know if it helps long-term. But then, I’m barely taking one solid step at a time most days in this increasingly wretched American hellspace, so long-term isn’t my immediate goal …