(Cuz, really, who doesn’t want a jaded old godless crank putting a hitch in their holiday giddyup? Twice?)
CHRISTMAS HOOPLA
1. “And a merry Christmas to you, Mr. Scrooge!” “Humbug! Blah!” | A Christmas Carol
2. Christmas Time Is Coming (A Street Carol) | Stormy Weather
(Doo-wop, baby. Doo-wop.)
3. Christmas Song | Jethro Tull
“Hey, Santa, pass us that bottle, will ya?”
4. The Christmas Song | Michael Wolff, featuring Warren Zevon
5. “And without a little family shame, it just wouldn’t be Christmas.” | Normal, Ohio/John Goodman
6. How to Make Gravy | Paul Kelly
“They say it’s gonna be a hundred degrees, even more maybe, oh, but that won’t stop the roast!”
7. Ring Out, Solstice Bells | Jethro Tull
“Seven druids dance in seven time. Sing the song the bells call, loudly chiming.”
8. Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis | Tom Waits
“Someone stole my record player, now how do you like that?”
9. Happy Christmas (War Is Over) | John Lennon & Plastic Ono Band
“War is over, if you want it. War is over now.”
10. Little Drummer Boy | Bing Crosby and David Bowie
“Can it be?”
11. I Saw Three Ships | Barenaked Ladies
(Oh, hell, it’s just fun.)
12. Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow | Jethro Tull
“Why not spare a thought this day for those who have no flame to warm their bones at Christmastime?”
13. Fairytale of New York | The Pogues with Kirsty McColl
“You’re a bum, you’re punk.” “You’re an old slut on junk lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed.” “You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot! Happy Christmas, your arse, I thank God it’s our last!”
“I could have been someone!” “Well, so could anyone …”
“The boys of the NYPD Choir still singin’ ‘Galway Bay,’ and the bells are ringin’ out for Christmas Day!”
14. Tojo | Hoodoo Gurus
“She said, ‘Tojo never made it. Tojo never made it to Darwin.'”
“I said, ‘Tracy, won’t you listen? This is Christmas!'”
15. River | Joni Mitchell
“I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly. Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.”
16. Linus and Lucy | Vince Guaraldi/A Charlie Brown Christmas
17. “Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?” | A Charlie Brown Christmas/“Charlie Brown”
18. Muhammad Ali (The Meaning of Christmas) | Greg Trooper
“‘I am the greatest,'” he said with a grin, but he was talking about us, not about him. And he was teaching me the meaning of Christmas.”
19. Christmas in Cape Town | Randy Newman
“Y’know those big ol’ lunch-pails they carry, man, with the picture of Star Wars painted on the side …?”
“Myself, I don’t like to drink the way I used to, man, you know; it don’t seem to get me high. The beer don’t taste the way it ought to taste somehow. I don’t know why.”
20. December African Rain | Juluka
“The firelight has danced its last across your face, my friend …”
21. Peace On Earth | U2
“Jesus, can you take the time to throw a drowning man a line?”
22. 2000 Miles (It Must Be Christmas Time) | The Pretenders
“Outside under the purple sky, diamonds in the snow sparkle.”
23. Adeste Fidelis | Bruce Cockburn
24. Gabriel’s Message | Sting
“The Angel Gabriel from heaven came, his wings as drifted snow, his eyes as flame.”
25. Another Christmas Song | Jethro Tull
“Sharp ears are tuned in to the drones and chanters warming. Mist blowing round some headland, somewhere in your memory. Everyone is from somewhere, even if you’ve never been there …”
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1. “We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It’s run by a big Eastern syndicate, you know.” | A Charlie Brown Christmas/”Lucy”
2. Christmas | The Who
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“Tommy doesn’t know what day it is. He doesn’t know who Jesus was, or what praying is! How can he be saved?”
3. The 12 Days of Christmas | Space Ghost Coast to Coast/”Brak & The Council of Doom”
“Hi, my name is Brak!”
4. “I find tinsel distracting.” | Seinfeld/Jerry Stiller as “Frank Costanza”
5. Kill a Tree for Christ | Celtic Elvis
“Kill a tree for Christ; it’s such a festive sacrifice. Wrench it from the ground, in the name of La Tradition. Throw it in the trunk, and tie it down with cords of bungie. You’ll need the needles every year, cuz you’re a Christmas junkie!”
6. The Night Before Christmas | Eek-A-Mouse
7. Christmastime | The Darkness
“Well the weather is cruel, and the season of Yule warms the heart, but it still hurts.” (Big, fat, chorused guitars, and Freddie Mercury’s ghost! Merry Christmas!)
8. “Christmas is a time for miracles. So maybe, if we screw up ours eyes really tight, and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us!” | Blackadder
9. Santa God | Dan Hart
“God and Santa Claus are coming to town. One gives you presents, and the other strikes you down! I leave cookies for Santa, but not for God …”
10. Santa God | Pearl Jam
“When Santa Claus was God …”
11. Fat Daddy | Fat Daddy
“I’m Fat Daddy, the reindeer boss.”
12. “You know what I’m gonna get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross. So every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.” | The Ref/Kevin Spacey
13. Merry Christmas You Suckers | Paddy Roberts
“It’s perfectly clear that you fall for it all a bit sooner each year. If it goes on like this, you’ll find pretty soon, you’re singing ‘White Christmas” as early as June.”
14. Zat You, Santa Claus? | Louis Armstrong
“Who’s there? Who is it? You stoppin’ for a visit?”
15. Burger King Christmas | (Unknown)
“Would you like an apple pie with that?”
16. The Girl With the Holiday Smile | Lyle Lovett
“I met a hooker at the grocery store. She wasn’t bad looking; she was a pretty little whore.”
17. “Say it, ‘Feliz Navidad’!” “Feliz Navi-blah!”| Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, including Paul Reubens as Pee-Wee Herman
18. Merry Christmas From the Family | Robert Earl Keen
“We didn’t know what to think of him till he sang ‘Feliz Navidad.'”
19. Santa Came on a Nuclear Missile | Heather Noel
“Santa came and took away my smile …”
20. Mr. Snow Miser – Heat Miser | The Year Without a Santa Claus, soundtrack
“I’m too much!”
21. “You’re an elf, and elves make toys!” | Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
22. Xmas Elves | Futurama
“Hooray!”
23. Slick Nick, You Devil You | Fishbone
24. “I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten …” | The Christmas Story
25. You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch | Thurle Ravenscroft/The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, soundtrack
“You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel!”
26. Merry Christmas | The Ramones
“Merry Christmas, I don’t wanna fight tonight!”
27. Father Christmas | The Kinks
“Father Christmas, give us some money! We’ll beat you up if you make us annoyed.”
28. Here Comes Fatty Claus | Rudolph and Gang
“Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit, and all them stinkin’ reindeer.”
29. “What a lovely thought it is, at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas!” | Blackadder
30. Mambo Santa Mambo | Enchanters
“Shooby-dooby-doo!”
31. Don’t Believe in Christmas | The Sonics
“Stayed up late at night to see Santa Claus arrive. Sure enough, don’t you know, Fat Boy didn’t show. Don’t believe in Christmas …”
32. “The next person who says ‘Merry Christmas’ to me, I’ll kill ’em.” | The Thin Man
33. Don’t Be a Jerk, It’s Christmas | SpongeBob
“Bring joy to the world, it’s the thing to do, but the world does not revolve around you.”
“The odds were with me.”
“Christmas is a time for cutting down trees and hanging plastic doodads on them and watching them die in your living room and catch fire and burn down your house and all your possessions.”